How connections help

Your friend gets your joke. Your colleague wishes you congratulations. Your spouse hugs you hello. They all help you get out of stress and boost well-being. In fact, Mental Health America found that 71 percent of people surveyed turned to friends or family during times of stress.

Humans are social animals: we crave to feel supported, valued and connected.

Research points to the benefits of social connection:

• Increased happiness. In one compelling study, a key difference between very happy people and less happy people was good relationships.
• Better health. Loneliness was associated with a higher risk of high blood pressure in a recent study of older people.
• A longer life. People with strong social and community ties were two to three times less likely to die during a 9-year study.

Sometimes the connection is a heart-to-heart talk. But sometimes it’s just a laughing email.

Making connections

Connection happens when you get:

• concrete help, such as having a friend pick up your children from school
• emotional support, like hearing someone say, “I’m really sorry you’re having such a hard time”
• perspective, like being reminded that even the moodiest of teenagers grow up
• advice, such as a suggestion to schedule a weekly date with your wife
• validation, like learning that other people also love reading train schedules

Do you have enough support?

One author called her support network her “pit crew,” the people she could count on to see her through recovery. Ask yourself if you have at least a few friends or family members who:

• feel comfortable to be with
• give you the feeling that you can tell them anything
• can help you solve problems
• make you feel valued
• take your concerns seriously

See more ways to rate support.

Making friends

If you feel that your current connections are not providing enough support, you can take steps to form new ones. Consider these suggestions:

• Sign up for a class that fascinates you. You’ll know your classmates already share a common interest (and if you don’t meet anyone, at least you’ve strengthened your brain).
• Join a book group, hiking club, or other group. If you want to make your entrance more flexible, consider contacting the group leader in advance.
• Voluntary. Working together builds bonds, and to help others has its own rewards.
• Reach out – a lot. Especially if you’re in a completely new situation, like starting college, you may have to meet a lot of people before you find a match.

If extreme shyness or anxiety prevents you from making friends, you can work with one therapist can help.

Strengthen your relationships

If you would like to get more out of the relationships you haveconsider these steps:

• Make a list of the people you would like to contact regularly. If necessary, add a reminder to your calendar.
• Commit to a certain amount of time together each day or week—without pagers, iPods, or other distractions.
• Listen very carefully. Repeat what you have heard to make sure you have understood it.
• Ask for specific types of help. Even the best of friends can’t read your mind.
• Show how much you respect, support and value your friends and family. You can possiblythink positive thoughts, but sharing them works wonders.
• Move out of relationships that make you feel insecure, lower your self-esteem, or draw you into unhealthy habits, like abusing drugs.

If you are in a troubled relationshipit pays to work on it. Experts say that a bad relationship can hurt you even more than a good one can help you. If your relationship is rocky, here are some suggestions:

• Take responsibility for your part in the problem
• Be constructive and come up with solutions
• Consider how you would feel if you were the other person
• Try to focus on what you value about the other person

If the disagreements become intenseremember to fight fair. Researcher John Gottman, PhD, who has predicted with astonishing accuracy which couples will break up, says your fighting style really does matter. Consider two great ways to reduce heat:

• Avoid overgeneralization. Beware of statements like, “You never pay attention to me.” Instead, make specific requests like, “Can we spend an hour together soon?”
• Avoid pointing the finger. Instead of blaming the other person, focus on how you feel with an “I” statement like, “I feel sad when you come home and just read the paper.”

When relevant, try to forgive – for your own sake. Research shows that forgiveness reduces tension, depression and anxiety. Of course, it can be hard to let go. Try to:

• think about what stresses may have contributed to the other person’s behavior
• consider what is good about that person
• apologize if that would help
• remember that forgiving does not mean you are saying the behavior was acceptable

If you have trouble expressing your needs or getting them met, consider individual or couples therapy.

Get support from a group

If you are facing a particular stress, such as a serious illness, you may want additional support beyond what your friends and family can offer. Support groups can offer:

• concrete proposals and information about the problem
• people who can empathize with how you feel
• a reminder that you are not alone
• inspiration from seeing others do well

You will probably benefit most from joining a group in person, as hearing someone’s voice and seeing the look on someone’s face can really deepen the connection, but if there is no group in your area, consider online support or discussion groups.

Mental Health America can help you find a support group. You can also learn about support groups from your health nurse, your local hospital or community center.

Reviewed by Sonja Lyubomirsky, PhD, a University of California, Riverside professor and author of The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the Life You Want(Penguin Press).