​​​​​​​As a parent, you can be completely safe talking to your child about the differences between right and wrong. But talking to them about their private parts and sexual development is not always so easy.

Seeing what may appear to be “sexual” behavior in your toddler can be particularly troubling. You may worry that this behavior is strange, deviant, or a sign of sexual procrastination.

In fact, “sexual” behavior in children is common, especially between the ages of 3 and 6. Usually they are a normal part of development. Read on for information that can help you distinguish between normal “sexual” behavior and behavior that may signal a problem.

Children’s natural curiosity about their bodies

At a very young age, children begin to explore their bodies. They may touch, poke, pull or rub their body parts, including their genitals. It is important to remember that this behavior is not sexually motivated. They are typically driven by curiosity and attempts at self-soothing.

Curiosity about bodies and their differences can also lead children to try to look at others in states of undress, rub against them and ask questions about genitalia and toileting.

As children get older, they will need guidance in learning about their body parts, their functions, and appropriate social boundaries that surround them.

Normal sexual behavior in toddlers and preschoolers

Normative (normal), common “sexual” behavior in 2- to 6-year-olds may include:

• Touching/rubbing of genitals in public or private

• Looking at or touching the genitals of a peer or sibling

• Showing genitalia to peers

• Standing or sitting too close to someone

• Trying to see peers or adults naked

Is a child’s self-stimulation a sign of sexual abuse?

Caregivers often assume that self-stimulating behaviors such as masturbation must have been taught, indicating that the child was sexually abused. This is not the case. Children simply find their genitals, recognize that it feels good to stimulate them, and continue to engage in the behavior.

What to do when this behavior happens

In general, a young child’s “sexual” behavior that is easily redirected and does not cause harm or distress is not a cause for concern. When this behavior occurs, it is important to stay calm and not get angry or upset. Instead, try to redirect your child’s attention. You might say something like, “It’s OK for you to touch your own body, but you should do it in a private place.”

This is also a good time to discuss body safety and respect for each other. (See “Teaching Body Safety and Boundaries: 10 Tips for Parents,” below.)

Sexual behavior problems: red flags

Parents also need to know when a child’s sexual behavior may be more than harmless curiosity and should be addressed by a professional. Sexual behavior problems can pose a risk to the safety and well-being of your child and other children. They may also signal an underlying neuropsychiatric disorder,
physical or
sexual abuse or exposure to sexual content.

Sexual behavior problems in young children include any act that:

• Is disruptive (they can’t focus on a task because of the behavior)

• Occurs to the exclusion of other activities and cannot be redirected

• Causing emotional or physical pain or injury to self or others

• Is associated with physical aggression

• Involves coercion or force

• Simulates penetrative and/or adult sexual acts

Teaching body safety and boundaries: 10 tips for parents

You can start teaching your child about body boundaries and safety as soon as they can talk. Here are some tips that can help:

• 
  Use appropriate language. Teach children correct names for all body parts, including their genitals: penis, vagina, breasts and buttocks. Making up names for body parts can give the impression that they are bad or secret and cannot be talked about. Also, teach your child which parts are “private,” the ones that are usually covered by a bathing suit and should not be looked at or touched without their permission.

• 
  Assess your family’s respect for modesty. Modesty is not a concept most young children can fully grasp. But you can still lay a foundation for future discussions and model good social boundaries. For example, if you have children of different ages, teach your younger children to give older siblings their privacy if they ask for it.

• 
  Don’t force affection. Don’t force your children to give hugs or kisses. It’s OK for them to tell even Grandma or Grandpa that they won’t give them a kiss or a hug goodbye. Teach your child alternative ways to show affection and respect without close physical touch (high-fives, thumbs up, etc.) Reinforce that their body is theirs to control, a concept called body autonomy.

• 
  Explain OK vs. non-OK touches. An “OK touch” is a way for people to show that they care and help each other – e.g. when carers help to bathe or go to the toilet, or when doctors check that their body is healthy. Reassure your child that most touches are OK touches. A “not OK touch” is one they don’t like, hurts them, makes them feel uncomfortable, confused, scared, or one that has to do with private parts.

• 
  Reinforce that people must respect each other. Discuss how it is never OK for someone to look at or touch their private parts without their permission. At the same time, they must not look at or touch other people’s bodies without their permission.

• 
  Give your children a firm rule about inappropriate touching. It is easy for a child to understand the concept of a rule. This will make it easier for them to recognize a non-OK touch if one happens and say “NO” to these.

• Remind your child to always tell you or another trusted adult if anyone ever touches their private parts or makes them feel uncomfortable. Inappropriate touch – especially by a trusted adult – can be very confusing for a child. Reassure your children that you will listen and believe them if they tell you about not-OK touching. ,

• 
  Manage media exposure. Make one
  the family’s media plan. Get to know
  rating systems for video games,
  filmand
  television displays and makes use of parental controls available through many mobile, Internet, cable and satellite providers. Providing appropriate alternatives is an important part of avoiding exposure to sexual content in the media. Be aware that children may see adult sexual behavior in person or on screens and may not tell you that this has happened.

• 
  Review this information regularly with your children. Some good times to talk to your kids about personal safety are during bath time, bedtime, doctor appointments, and before any new situation. Children meet and interact with many different adults and children every day – in childcare, sport rehearsals, dance lessons, camps and after-schools, to name a few. Giving them tools to recognize and respond to uncomfortable situations is key.

• 
  Expect questions. The
  question your child asks, and the answers that are appropriate to give depend on your child’s age and ability to understand. It is always important to tell the truth. See “When and How to Talk to Your Child About Sex” for tips to make it easier for both of you.

Talk to your child’s pediatrician

If you’re dealing with any of these issues or have more questions, don’t hesitate to talk to your child’s pediatrician. They can work with you to distinguish age-appropriate “normal” “sexual” behavior from behavior that is developmentally inappropriate or signals potential sexual behavior problems. Asking for help simply means that you want the best for your child and you will do everything you can to help them succeed.

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