How coping tools help

At some point in our lives, most of us will face times that are extra stressful or even shake us to our core. At those times, having strong coping strategies can make a huge difference.

of course, coachwith a focus on yours spiritual life and get enough rest– and all the other tools for Live Your Life Well – can be good points of support in difficult situations. Other techniques can be especially helpful in dealing with tough times.

The research shows that:

• People who spent time writing about a difficult event had better health and less depression. The writers’ grades even improved and they found jobs faster
• People who faced stress felt less depressed after problem solving
• People who often focus on the positive in their lives are less upset by difficult memories

Ways to deal better

Write it out

Have you ever written a nasty email when you felt angry but then deleted it? Chances are, you still felt better even if you didn’t send it.

If you’ve been through an upsetting event, writing about it can actually make you feel better. This is partly because writing organizes your thoughts, making the experience less chaotic. Writing can also give you an emotional release, insight into yourself and the feeling that you can file away the problem.

Some thoughts to get you started writing:

• Set aside 15 minutes a day for a few days to write about the event and how it made you feel
• Don’t worry about grammar or artistry. This is just for you.
• Stick to it. Writing about an upsetting experience can be painful at first, but over time it can help you move past the upset. However, remember that if your event is a particularly disturbing one, such as rape or domestic violence, you may want to do this work with a therapist.

Address your problems

If you’re dealing with a stressful situation, don’t wallow in self-pity or waste energy blaming someone else. It just makes you feel less powerful. Instead, it makes sense to:

• Write down the problems involved. On paper, they may seem more manageable than swirling around in your head.
• Write as many solutions as possible. For now, shut up about your internal judge. You can decline options later.
• Evaluate your list. Try asking yourself how you would like this situation to end. What opportunities are likely to get you there? You can also weigh the pros and cons.
• Accept reasonably good solutions. Research suggests that searching for a perfect opportunity creates disappointment.
• When you choose some solutionsbreak them up into reasonable chunks and make a concrete plan. You can also set yourself some specific deadlines.
• Don’t be discouraged if the first solution you try doesn’t work. Try another one on your list.

Read more problem solving tips and find a worksheet to get you organized.

Change your mindset

How you think about a problem affects both how much it bothers you and how well you deal with it. It pays to shift your mind away from negative thoughts or excessive worries. Try these suggestions:

• Ask yourself how realistic your concern is. Our imaginations can take us into situations that may never develop.
• Set aside “worry” time each day. So when a negative thought creeps in, tell yourself to wait until the appointed time. You might feel better by then.
• Focus on the good sides of your life.
• Look at hard times as an opportunity to learn, grow or improve your situation. Maybe you’ve seen how supportive your friends are or learned how strong you can be in a tough time.

Get support

Sometimes some basic help can make a big difference.

• Ask someone to help you with any urgent tasks if you are overextended. You can retaliate at a quieter time.
• Don’t be afraid to ask for advice. Nobody knows everything.
• Get emotional support. Crying, sharing your frustrations or otherwise venting can release tension, relieve stress and help you move on. Consider getting professional help if you need it.

Reviewed by Sonja Lyubomirsky, PhD, University of California, Riverside psychology professor and author of The How of Happiness: A New Approach to Getting the life you want (Penguin Press).